Snakes and Ladders

I recently went through the list of goals that I have been setting and pursuing for the past few years. On one hand, it gave me a deep sense of gratification seeing how far I have come. On the other hand, I saw the hallmark of each of the Big Bang goals that I had pursued. It was like a sine wave with falls after highs, again and again and again. It was almost like I was the protagonist in the game of Snakes and Ladders with one catch - I could never reach the finish line.

I tried to make sense of it all. I felt a real sense of apprehension that I may never be able to live up to my expectations of myself. That, my sense of achievement is always meant to be short. That I may never be destined for greatness. That I may never live my life purpose. When I allowed myself to feel these thoughts, I felt heavy. I felt shortness of breath.

I tried to shake it off. I tried talking myself out of it, that it was just a phase and that I will hit upon real continuous momentum soon. I couldn't shake off my thoughts. 

That was when I tried a different approach, a different perspective, as advised by my coach.

What if I was meant to fail, again and again and again? What if the whole objective is not the outcome of the goal but the endless pursuit of it? What if the meaning of the big picture was not what I had achieved but Who I had become? And as a result of Who I am being, what gifts could I offer to the people around me?

This felt powerful. I felt deep compassion and self love. I vowed to myself that I will not lower my goals, that I will keep pursuing my dreams. And if I fail and fall, that is a learning that will make me who I am meant to become. 

As August comes in, I write a new page in a new chapter in my life. This is a chapter where wins and losses, achievements and failures do not matter as much. In this chapter, the only thing that matters is the next step. The next baby step. And I am ready to take that next step