A few years ago, my family and I went through an agonizing relationship breakdown with a close relative. He was one of the few people I loved completely. Life then got really busy and I struggled to spend time with him. Our catch-ups went from once a week to once a month to once in 6 months. I never thought that he was going through some stuff in his life, alone. For some reason, he never shared his deepest feelings with me and I was blindsided. I could not put a finger on what went wrong but when it went wrong, it was devastating. He cut off connection with our family completely and nothing I did later could salvage the relationship. All we were left with were the heaviness in our hearts and the beautiful memories of the past. I struggled to make peace with why it happened.
I know that I am not alone in this. We all lose relationships, more than we wish we did. What can we do differently in managing the most important relationships in our lives? I have attempted to share my insights learnt from going through a broken relationship.
1. Listen with complete attention
I have often noticed that as I listen to people talk, there is this inner chatter in my head going on at the same time. For some others, no sooner has the other person completed one sentence, they have to let go a barrage of words from their end. Listening with complete attention entails silencing both your mind and your mouth and being completely focused on the other person. There is a movie that had the line ‘Listening is Loving’. When we just listen completely, it really opens up this connection that may have been dormant for quite some time. I have found this to be true, irrespective of the nature of the relationship.
2. Practice Non Judgment
We all have this innate ability to judge what is right and what is wrong. When we come from the perspective of a judge, it is little wonder that sometimes, the most important things remain unsaid, even within close relationships. When your partner or friend knows that you will judge his or her action, then either they will not confide in you or change their story accordingly. Either ways, it does not help strengthen the relationship. What if instead, we can choose to be curious and just withhold our judgment, a little bit? I have found that when I choose curiosity and withhold judgment, what matters and needs to be expressed, often is.
3. Talk from the Heart
For a relationship to thrive, vulnerability is the magic sauce. While listening and practicing non judgment allows vulnerability at the other end, we need to practice being vulnerable and speak our own truth from our heart. This means accepting our flaws and mistakes and being open and honest. Ego is the biggest killer to maintaining important relationships. When we can keep our ego down and practice courage through vulnerability, we will have done our part in strengthening the bonds of our relationships.
4. Design an Alliance
This is a coaching tool that I have found can be pretty much used in any relationship. Designing an alliance is to have an open two way communication to match each other’s expectation with respect to the relationship. There are a few relationships where distance and time really has no adverse effect and the conversations just flow every single time we connect with the other person. But in almost all other scenarios, it is key to keep designing an alliance and ensure that we are in sync with each other’s expectations.
All said and done, there is really no guarantee that a loving relationship will last forever. But when we can listen fully, practice non judgment, talk from the heart and continuously design an alliance, we would have done our part in making a relationship not just work, but thrive. Let all of us continue to cherish and thrive in all of our beautiful relationships.
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